How I found my man at 50+
And how you can do it too
As a young woman I had big dreams.
I was a biologist studying the love-lives of monkeys. Or to put it more scientifically, I studied primate ‘mating strategies’. I found that monkey girls had a lot of similar challenges to human females, although it has to be said, we women are a lot more complicated in what we’re looking for.
I couldn’t have guessed though, how my scientific knowledge would later be instrumental in achieving success in my own personal life.
Back then, my dream was to carry on with my animal behaviour research, find a wonderful man to fall in love with. Maybe get to raise a family together in the wilds somewhere …
And so, when I returned to the UK after a couple of years’ fieldwork in South Africa and met a fabulous man – let’s call him James – it seemed like the dream was coming true.
He was good looking, exciting, and said he wanted all the same things as I did. The sexual chemistry between us was amazing and we’d talk long into the night about the fantastic life we were going to build together in the tropics. And because I really wanted this to be true, I chose to believe him and jumped in head first.
Turns out though that James wasn’t the man I thought he was and our relationship went way downhill very fast. I realised I’d made a massive mistake, but not before I’d had three babies in quick succession (numbers 2 & 3 were twins) – that’s what a loudly ticking biological clock will do for you.
How on earth did I get it so so wrong?
Well I had done what many of us women do. I was in so much of a rush, back in my 30s, to get with a guy who ticked all the boxes that I forgot to check he had the qualities I really needed for a happy, lasting relationship. I was choosing with my gut instinct instead of my rational brain.
I was devastated. I remember sitting at my sister’s kitchen table as we talked through my options – none of them sounding very appealing.
“My big dream has gone”, I wailed.
My sister was a bit more pragmatic:
“You’ll be OK. You can find a new dream”, she said gently.
I felt dubious but I took a deep breath, picked my time, and made a run for it with my 3 tiny kids, arriving in Edinburgh where I hoped I could lick my wounds and build a new life for us.
Gradually I found my feet, and when my twin daughters turned 2, I enrolled on a part-time university course to train in specialist journalism.
Trogging round the jungle after monkeys was clearly no longer an option and so I decided to write about the science of behaviour for the press instead. I loved the research and writing and it meant I could keep up with my academic contacts and the cutting edge of the subject, as well as being able to fit around the kids. And my subject matter shifted from animals to human behaviour, which was endlessly fascinating.
But, as you can imagine, it was a pretty lonely time, so when my brood grew a bit I thought I’d give online dating a shot and find a nice new man. I signed up and completed my profile with enthusiasm.
But surprise… I didn’t find a horde of suitable gentlemen beating a path to my door.
Yes I met men online, yes I had dates and got together with guys, but I still had that habit of choosing with my gut instinct. I was picking men who seemed edgy and a bit of a challenge. But they didn’t make me happy.
But as time went on and my understanding of the science of attraction and relationships grew – this was what I was writing about in my work more and more – I came to understand what was going wrong.
For one thing, the research made me realise that following our gut instincts when getting together with a guy is likely to end badly. These instincts evolved back in stone-age times when a woman needed the big, dominant, high-status blokes who could provide for and protect her and the kids. We still want those things, even though they’re not usually traits that indicate a good long term relationship partner in today’s world, especially for women who are past the age when they want to make babies. Really, we’d be better off going for someone with more emotional intelligence and empathy.
Looking back on my own doomed relationships I realised that I too had been prioritising the wrong things – the looks, the status, the super-confidence. One man had been properly narcissistic – one of the (very scary) Dark Triad traits. These guys can be incredibly charming at the start and I was swept off my feet by the love bombing, but things turned controlling and nasty once he got his feet under the table.
And another pairing that didn’t go well was with a man who again had the presence and the macho sex appeal, but also with what I now know was “avoidant attachment”. If someone has this attachment style it means although they might want a relationship, they’re reluctant to let others get too close. This man was seriously blowing hot and cold and I found myself on an emotional rollercoaster – feeling elated and ‘in love’ one minute, and then rejected and despondent the next.
Coming to a scientific understanding of these things was a game changer. I realised that I needed to consciously evolve my preferences to suit what would work for me in the modern world and for the life stage I’m at now.
So, armed with a knowledge of the kind of man I needed for a happy, lasting relationship, and how to look for one, I got myself out there to find him.
I got chatting to Rob at a singles event one rainy January night, and I liked him, but it wasn’t love or even lust at first sight.
In the past that lack of immediate chemistry would have signalled “next please”. But not now! I could tell that he was one of the good guys, so I was going to give it time, and we got to know each other gradually over the following few weeks at an evening class. I felt myself warming to him, but it wasn’t until I heard him sing and play ukulele in a pub session – and totally own the room – that I really got the hots.
Well, as it turns out, I’ve found the love of my life. We got married in 2019 and I’ve never been happier. But the crazy thing is, if I’d been following my old dating habits I’d never have given him a chance. He just wasn’t what I used to think of as my “type”. I keep thanking my lucky stars that I learned how to be a bit more objective about choosing a mate rather than putting all my trust those stone-age instincts.
Finally then, in my 50s I found my new dream. My kids have grown into amazing young adults and I’m with a lovely man who enhances all of our lives and who I have a happy secure partnership with.
And not just that. Now, using my knowledge of the biology of behaviour, I’ve built a business – Dating Evolved – where I help other midlife women do the same, and find a partner they can have the best relationship with.
So what did I do to make it work?
Well, here are 5 ways you can help yourself right now:
1.Figure out the type of guy you need
You might like the idea of being with a guy who’s 6’4’’, gorgeous, and has a six-figure salary, but these traits are no guarantee of relationship success. A man like this knows he’s hot stuff and might not value you in the way you’d like. Better then to reprioritise and focus on the qualities that actually matter for a contented, lasting relationship. I reckon that means going for someone who’s considerate, trustworthy, and one who’ll try to make you happy every day. They do exist.
2. Know who you MUST avoid
Your man might be oozing charm and press all the right buttons at the start, showering you with gifts and compliments. But you need to be careful you’re not dealing with a guy with the Dark Triad type personality mentioned earlier, otherwise things can turn very sour very fast.
The best rule of thumb? If at the start it seems too good to be true, be very, very sceptical.
3. Take your time
I know what it’s like – you meet a hot guy who gets your pulse racing. You’re going weak at the knees and you can’t wait to get it on. But hang on just a minute!
When you get intimate you’ll have a rush of neurochemicals working their magic in your brain, and this will have you smitten with the guy from the start. If he then turns out not to be good relationship material you’re going to find it really hard to extract yourself. You’ll hope he’ll change – he won’t – and you’ll be miserable.
Better, I reckon, to find men you’d like to get to know as friends first, men you’re curious about and who share your values. Research shows that when we like a guy, his personality and humour, we gradually come to find him physically more attractive and the desire grows.
Perhaps not as initially exciting as a smouldering sex-god, but you won’t be wasting your emotional energy on a man who’s no good for you, and you’ll likely be a lot happier in the long-term.
4. Take a proactive approach
I’m often shocked at how many women are happy to leave the important job of finding a romantic partner up to chance.
I hear things like, “If it’s meant to be it will be”, or “If he’s the right man, he’ll find me”.
By what magical process will this happen, I wonder.
The problem is, if you wait for men to come into your orbit, you’ll tend to get the players, the narcissists, the super-confident men with all the moves. The nice guys, those who are more respectful and care what people think – they’ll tend to hang back. So try to make yourself approachable to good men, perhaps by getting off your phone, making eye contact, smiling. And there’s nothing stopping you making the first move – you’re a modern woman. If I hadn’t taken my own advice here I wouldn’t have got together with my lovely man!
5. Confidence is Key
Everybody likes different things – it’s the way we evolved to be. You absolutely are attractive for a man who’s right for you, so own your idiosyncrasies. Yes, some men will run for the hills when they find out you’re an opera fanatic, a computer nerd, or a new-age hippie. So what? You don’t want them. Some men will love your particular quirks and the kind of person you are and those are the ones to be interested in.
Hold your head high and know you’ve got what it takes. Good self-esteem is your most powerful tool in finding the right man because it means you won’t put up with bad behaviour. And if you can boost that confidence – it’s going to make you glow.
So when you meet a guy, you don’t need to worry about how to “make him like you” or how to be attractive to him.
Instead, ask yourself, “Has this guy got the capacity to be the kind of partner I need?”, “Has he got what it takes?”
That’s how to find yourself the best relationship, and live your dream.
~ Mairi Macleod, PhD
And if you’d like my support in identifying, attracting, desiring, and finding one of the good guys, sign up for my Weekly Dating Advice Newsletter, and you can contact me or check out my other resources at datingevolved.com.
