My husband and I are completely disconnected.
Relationship therapy can be done with just one partner!
Q Dear Pam
I am at my wits end. My husband and I have been together for eight years and we can’t stop arguing. Often it seems to be about the smallest things. If he doesn’t like what I am saying, even when all I want is to discuss things, he goes silent. He just withdraws from me and I am left feeling awful and guilty that I have ruined another weekend. He works very hard but so do I. I work three days a week and run the home and look after our children. Usually it takes a couple of days and then he pretends nothing has happened. We never resolve things and I am getting more and more resentful as I can’t disagree with anything for fear of the shutters coming down. The real problem is I have asked if we could go to counselling, but he point blank refuses. I need some help what do I do? ZR
Dear ZR,
Sometimes with the best will in the world our partner refuses to do couples therapy. When we feel emotionally disconnected we can start to feel isolated. You know that the time has come to make some changes as your relationship is in trouble. You have asked nicely, you have cajoled and still your partner won’t budge.
There are a number of reasons they may not want to join you:
Too busy, tried it before and it didn’t work they hope that things will just blow over or perhaps they can’t see how a stranger can help. Before you start thinking you are sunk with no way out of your situation, there is another way and that is to go by yourself.
There is simply no upside to dragging a reluctant partner to therapy as the process can be easily derailed and sabotaged. It may be time for you to take back your power and start the process by yourself. Going alone does not say that you are the “problem” but it does say that you are prepared to do whatever it takes.
Relationship issues don’t belong to just one person but to “the relationship” which you both are equally responsible for. Deciding to get support is simply saying I am willing to make the first move. Taking personal responsibility may feel unbalanced but the extraordinary thing is that each little shift that you make will have an impact on your relationship system.
What we understand in Systemic therapy is that any shift will make a shift in the whole. So, as you work towards supporting yourself in making healthy changes in how you operate within the relationship, so it will inevitably make changes within your relationship as a whole. As you start relating differently so will your partner.
Your husband may simply not know how to manage conflict and but with your new skill set you may be happily surprised at how you both towards a more open and supportive way of relating. Defence mechanisms are reduced, and real communication takes its place.
The key to success here is to choose a therapist who is trained in relationship work. It is vital that the therapist does not take sides but has the ability to think in terms of what is in the best interests of the relationship. One of the most powerful things to do is to reach out for support doing nothing simply means nothing will change.
https://www.pamcusters.co.uk/couple-intensive/
Pam Custers is an experienced therapist working with individuals, couples and families. MA. BA (Psych) Hons and is a RELATE trained. MBACP (accredited)
Contact 07914411729
https://www.pamcusters.co.uk/about/
