Relationships in the time of Lockdown
Forced social isolation coupled with the intensity of having to share a small space for extremely prolonged periods shrinks our window of tolerance.
Relationships in the time of Lockdown.
I hope that this letter finds you and your family well.
Firstly we are delighted to announce that The Relationship Practice has moved on line!
We have a great team of therapists that can support you through this stressful time. Therapists who work with individuals couples and children.
Relating in Captivity
Here we find ourselves in the perfect storm of uncertainty, stress and intensity of relationships.
We are in the midst of an extraordinary public health emergency and this has affected us all. The impact of the measures that have been put in place by the government are only now becoming more apparent. We have all needed to take two vital steps to save lives.
Social distancing and self isolation.
Taking these two steps will undoubtedly save lives and shorten the length of time that we as a country will have to face this disruption. In reality these self same steps are incredibly taxing on our relationships and mental well being. Now more than ever we need to support our relationships.
Connection is the corner stone to our emotional wellness.
The truth is that we all have a window of emotional resilience. Forced social isolation coupled with the intensity of having to share a small space for extremely prolonged periods shrinks our window of tolerance. We may find small stresses, previously managed, suddenly come to the surface and impact our relationships.
Families working and living together can be taxing. Teens that relied on the structure of a school day are glued to screens and may become more withdrawn. Parents are talking about not being able to voice their anxiety as they need to provide a calm front. This increases the stress of the adults in the home. Couples are finding their patience being tested and whilst spending all their time together are still feeling disconnected or lonely.
Our usual mechanisms to reduce stress whether playing sport, visiting a friend, or working are no longer available to us. Simply making sense of the situation is also a challenge. Many have spoken about the unrealness of the present and are finding themselves feeling disconnected to the world whilst others have described a feeling of loss.
So what simple things can you do.
Acceptance
When we accept that we are in this situation and we have little control this goes a long way to reducing the stress. We call this radical acceptance. Once we are able to do this and then to focus on the aspects of our life that we do have control over we are able to start feeling more empowered. Focusing on those aspects allows us to start creating our lives within this new normal. This may at times be easier said than done. A simple trick is to only think of today. Just deal with the present moment. Thinking about the future often triggers anxiety whilst ruminating about the past can lower our mood.
Create your safe space.
In therapy we talk about healthy boundaries and a secure base. At this time we need to translate these to psychological concepts into our physical life in order to reduce anxiety. Decide how you wish to keep your home free of the virus. If it’s to wipe down groceries before being packed away or for shoes to be taken off, whatever you decide keep those rules as a family so nobody has to double guess each other. If need be, write a clear description of the rules. This will reduce stress going forward. These will need to be revisited as we go forward and restrictions change.
Everyone needs some personal space. Work out how each person can have some private space to retreat. Having a quiet moment to read a book or play with toys may just be what is needed to reset the energy in the home.
Strengthen relationships
Consciously decide to strengthen relationships. This not the time to focus on the small issues but a time to see things with a wider lens. Each member of the family is under stress and all need compassion. Taking the time to see life from their perspective may feel time consuming, especially if you have a recalcitrant four year old or forty year old for that matter! Have a family meeting and make an agreement to show each other kindness. Use Social media to connect to friends and family.
Cut yourself and others some slack.
Don’t be too hard on yourself or others. You are all bound to disappoint yourself or others may disappoint you. Now is not the time to have show downs or highly charged discussions. The emotional equilibrium of the family is highly sensitive at this moment and emotions are running high. Keep perspective and choose your battles.
Structure your day.
Having structure is vital especially as we don’t quite know how long this lockdown will last. Divide the day into meals work/school relaxation and play.
Decide as a family what each section looks like. Which meals are DIY, which are sit down and which are family dinners where everyone contributes. Draw up a daily list that would have constituted life pre lockdown and try and set up the equivalent using on line mediums. It is important that the weekends and holidays feel different to weekdays.
Give treats to each other and try and have a laugh.
Let everyone make a treat list. Think of all the little things that each member of the family enjoys. It may be playing a board game. Baking cake. Mowing the lawn. Creating a fort. Each member can have a list and then take it in turns to give each other a treat. Have fun. Laughter is a great stress buster. It reduces cortisol and makes all the fell good hormones.
This will pass and you have support
We will get through this stressful period. The Relationship Practice has a team of six highly qualified therapists who can provide you and your family members with support. We work with individuals couples and young people and have increased our capacity.
Gratitude
Gratitude can change everything!
Being grateful is the cornerstone of happiness. It’s one of those things that you have to be consciously
aware of daily – especially during uncertain and tough times like these. Place a notepad next to your bed and each night and when you wake up write a list of three things you are grateful for. They can be the smallest of things, the sunshine, the meal you made last night a friendship. When we place our attention on what we are grateful for it grows. You will start noticing during the day. Doing this with our children or our partner is the kick start to lifting our mood.
Finally This will pass and you have support
Remind yourself often.We will get through this stressful period. The Relationship Practice has a team of six highly qualified therapists who can provide you and your family members with support. We work with individuals couples and young people and have increased our capacity.
We have also been able to offer some reduced rate sessions for those who have had a change to their financial situation.
The difference between thriving and simply surviving during these difficult times is all based on the quality of the relationships we have either with ourselves or with others.
If you are struggling either personally or within your relationship reach out. If you notice your child or teen struggling contact us.
We are all in this together and we will support you and your family.
A Personal Invitation
Complimentary 20 minute check in.
Down load the wellbeing manual
Join our mailing list with a range of resources to help support your relationship in lock down https://pamcusters.co.uk/contact
Contact 07572841388 www.pamcusters.co.uk
Pam Custers
Pam Custers is an experienced therapist working with individuals, couples and families. MA. BA (Psych) Hons and is a RELATE trained. MBACP (accredited) She runs The Relationship Practice with her dedicated and experienced team of therapists all hand picked for their specialities.
